It’s not so simple anymore

One of the hardest things to grasp on this road of life is that nothing is black and white. It’s never as simple as we want it to be. For those of you who know me, it’s shocking that I’ve come to that conclusion but what life has taught me is that there are no absolutes. Perhaps this is hardest when dealing with people; it’s easier to put them into boxes than to accept that we are multifaceted beings who have within us the ability to create and to destroy. It’s easier to judge someone based on our preconceived notions because that makes sense.

What I know is that good people can do bad things and bad people can do good things. It happens all the time and it’s better not to judge someone else because you never know what you might do. It’s easy to be on the outside and point the finger at someone else but much harder to step into their shoes and show some empathy. You don’t know their story. You don’t know the pain they are living with and if you did, you might not be so quick to throw them away.

I don’t like it when people hurt other people. It sucks. But instead of rushing to judgment, I’m slowly learning that it’s easier to lay down my weapons and open my arms. Cause I can guarantee that the person who is hurting others is hurting themselves and what they really need is love. They need someone to see past their dirtiness and find their soul. They need someone to see the best in them until they can find it in themselves.

Don’t we all, sometimes?

Ladies, we must do better

This is an open letter to all the grown up Mean Girl out there.  If this post irks you, good.  I hope that the irritation will provide some much needed shine to a problem we have all faced.

If you’re a woman, you’ve probably had this happen to you…you discover that you have become the target of someone’s hate campaign.  They might have a reason for disliking you but quite often, there isn’t one.  There is just a sneer, a snide comment and some backstabbing that happens, all in an attempt to tear you down.  You are often left wondering what the hell you did to deserve it.

I’ve recently had this experience.  My offense?  Loving someone.  Yes, really.   I have been criticized, ridiculed and demeaned because I had the gall to fall for someone.  The worst part of this is that not one of the people who are my judge, jury and executioner even know me.  If they did, they would know I am not a perfect person (by any stretch) but I am a good person.  I am a sensitive person who cares deeply, loves fully, and I have endured heartache that would cause many to buckle.  I wish I could say that I was unaffected by the comments that were made but I am sensitive and it hurts me when people are cruel for no reason to people who don’t deserve it.

This brings me to the bigger issue; the issue of grown up Mean Girls.  You know…the catty behavior women tend to engage in?  The snide comments about another woman, calling a colleague a “bitch” or a “whore” when she’s not around, judging someone’s choice of clothing, hairstyle, car, way of walking, shoes or the way she laughs?  Yeah, you know what I’m talking about.  Chances are, you have been on the receiving end of it and if not, you’ve probably been dishing it out.

It’s time to stop tearing each other down, ladies.  Why?  Because when we do it to each other, we send the message that it’s ok for others to do it too.  Instead of beating each other up & tearing each other down, why not start building one another?  Supporting each other in our individual and collective missions?  What if we stopped competing and started complementing one another? There is something so divinely healing in sisterhood; I know, I’ve experienced it.  There is something magical that happens when women band together, unified and possessed with purpose.  And I want to see more of that.  I want to see more of women celebrating each others beauty, in whatever form it shows up and a whole lot less of criticizing what we judge a shortcoming.

Ladies, we must do better.  You gain nothing by stealing another woman’s thunder.  You gain nothing by tearing down a potential sister.  You do, however, risk losing self-respect and the respect of others because when you choose to “hate on” someone who has never harmed you, it tells more about you than them.  The next time you find yourself engaging in this behavior, remember that there are some things you can’t take back.  Your words might seem casual to you but they can be devastating to others.  Be careful where you toss them.

 

Dating: The Gambler Style

Dating…it can be one of the most challenging and most rewarding experiences of a person’s life.  It can also be terrible if you don’t have some guidelines that you’re following.  Now, as you might know, I don’t believe in following “rules” because the rules are different for each person.  What works for you might not work for your best friend so this is a highly individual process, just as unique as you.  I do, however, advocate for personally constructed guidelines that you establish that will be your personal map to dating.  In that spirit, I’m going to throw out some Dating Guidelines, according to The Gambler.

1. Know when to hold ’em–There is a time to lay all your cards on the table.  The first date is not that time.  I went on a date with a guy once…he was gorgeous.  I met him in Starbucks, he asked for my number and we went on a date a few nights later.  The date was perfect; rooftop restaurant in Denver, 4th of July so we could see fireworks all over the city.  It was a lovely time until he started future talking like crazy…like he was thinking he was in love with me after 2 hours.  I mean, I’m pretty awesome (haha) but that was too much, too fast.  Don’t be that guy (or gal).

2. Know when to fold ’em: You fold a losing hand in poker.  You ought to do the same with dating but far too many people KNOW they are not going to end up with the person they are dating long-term and yet they keep dating them.  I take issue with that for two reasons-the first is that when you’re investing time and energy in a relationship that won’t go anywhere, you’re not creating space in your life for the one you want.  Nature abhors a vacuum so if you want a real relationship, make the space for it.  The second reason is because it’s selfish.  You’re taking someone along for a joyride, allowing them to invest their time, money, energy and emotion on you because they think there’s hope & you know there’s not.  That’s just not cool.

2. Know when to walk away: If you decide you don’t want to pursue a relationship with someone, just say that.  There’s no need for it to be dramatic, tearful and totally cut off.  I’ve dated guys I was friends with before we dated and with whom I remained friends with after we stopped dating.  If you handle things gracefully and with class, you can walk away without leaving either party with scars.  (there’s an exception to this guideline which I will cover in a later post).

3.  Know when to run: There are times when it’s best to RUN like the wind away from a dating partner…like when they are abusive, alcoholic, drug abusing, violent, cruel, liars, cheaters…You get the picture.  In those instances, it’s not about being classy and graceful, it’s about being safe (although you can do all three).  When the red flags start flying, DO NOT IGNORE THEM.  Listen to your gut and get the hell out of dodge.

To love.

 

It’s a sin.

  I woke up today thinking about this quote from one of my favorite movies. I have seen this a lot lately…people being presented with a magical moment, a gift from the universe that is beautiful, amazing, wonderful, and holds within it the seeds of the life they’ve always wanted. Then, they run. THEY RUN away from the very thing they say they want because getting it will require change. Risk. Growing pains. Letting go of shit that no longer serves them. The fear of the unknown is too great so they let their fear rule them and miss out on the gift they’ve been offered. Not accepting the blessings of the universe is indeed a sin. It’s a sin and like rest of this quote says, it will haunt you like a curse. For goodness sake, this life is too damn short to stay stuck. Grab your bootstraps, pull yourself up and go after that thing you want. And when life hands you a moment like this? Reach back….grab on…don’t let go.